Fat and Hating It

I’m fat.

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I’m fat and I hate it. It’s all my fault. No one else did this to me. I did it.

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I went to the doctor yesterday for a yearly maintenance visit for one of the chronic conditions I have. Like all doctor’s visits, I had to step on a scale to check my weight as part of the vitals check they perform at the beginning of each visit. There was a number in my head that I had a feeling I had hit. Sure enough, when I stepped on the scale it said I was exactly that number. Jackpot! </sarcasm>

This is the most I’ve weighed in my life. That’s nothing new though. I’ve been breaking that negative personal best off and on for about 20 years now. The problem now is I’m 41 with a family, a job and energy levels that seem to decrease more and more each month.

I know what I need to do but lack the energy to do it. I used to convince myself I don’t have enough time but that’s not true. I have plenty of time. It’s not a lack of motivation. I have motivation. I lack the energy to convert that motivation into action. Ironically if I did what I need to do I’d have more energy.

I’ve always possessed the ability to shed weight pretty easily. It drives my wife nuts. Having this ability has proven to be a bad thing though. As my weight has crept up over the years part of my brain has always said “It’s okay. I can knock these pounds back off no problem. Easy.” That’s all well and good when you’re a) younger and b) still fairly active. I’m neither of those anymore and yet that voice in my head is still there issuing its comforting misguidance.

I sometimes play this comparison game in my head. The game involves looking at someone else and thinking “I’m big but I’m not as big as them.” I don’t take any joy in this. It’s more of a comfort thing. Insecurity would probably be more accurate. Totally fucked up I know.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning after getting out of the shower. This is something I rarely do because I don’t really like looking at myself in the mirror. This goes back to long before I was ever overweight. I came to the realization that I’m the person I normally put on the other side of the equation. I am as big as them.

Maybe this realization will be enough to spark the energy I need to right this ship. I found the energy to write this. That’s something I guess. We’ll see.

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Do I hate the fat or do I hate myself. That’s a question to ponder.