Don’t Do Too Much

Currently Listening to: Weezer – Undone (The Sweater Song) – Weezer (The Blue Album)

I’m fighting the urge to do too much. Now that I’m trying to get back into blogging I’m already having to resist the itch to jump back in full bore and do all the things. Search for hours and hours for the perfect template. Pick a vaguely ironic domain name. Pick out a web host and set up a new full-blown website. All of that stuff is the stuff that my brain instantly jumps to when I think blog. Because that’s what I know. That’s what I’ve done before multiple times. Then I go through all of that rigamarole and end up not using it. Wasted time. Wasted effort. Wasted money.

Side Note: My 3 year old daughter has come into my office insisting to sit on my lap. So I’m sitting here typing this with her fiddling with the mittens & beanie she insists on wearing regardless of the weather or time of year with her in between my arms. Yes, she’s weird like her Dad.

Looking at the calendar and my current level of productivity in this space it appears that my attempts at restraint are probably wise. This is only my 3rd post since New Year’s Day ie. my 3rd post period. It’s best I slow my roll, go with the flow and let this go where it’s gonna go. Don’t get bogged down in the details. There’s nothing wrong with that. I kind of like the details but I want this space to be clean and focused (well as focused as my cluttered mind is capable of). Simple. Basic even. A calm space that’s a respite from the messy cacophony that is my life.

The next instinct I need to resist? Constant re-reading and editing. I’m striving to move from inspiration to writing to clicking the publish button without a lot of over thinking in between. Just let ‘er rip.

#ThisIsHard

Baby steps.

Fat and Hating It

I’m fat.

I’m fat and I hate it. It’s all my fault. No one else did this to me. I did it.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a yearly maintenance visit for one of the chronic conditions I have. Like all doctor’s visits, I had to step on a scale to check my weight as part of the vitals check they perform at the beginning of each visit. There was a number in my head that I had a feeling I had hit. Sure enough, when I stepped on the scale it said I was exactly that number. Jackpot! </sarcasm>

This is the most I’ve weighed in my life. That’s nothing new though. I’ve been breaking that negative personal best off and on for about 20 years now. The problem now is I’m 41 with a family, a job and energy levels that seem to decrease more and more each month.

I know what I need to do but lack the energy to do it. I used to convince myself I don’t have enough time but that’s not true. I have plenty of time. It’s not a lack of motivation. I have motivation. I lack the energy to convert that motivation into action. Ironically if I did what I need to do I’d have more energy.

I’ve always possessed the ability to shed weight pretty easily. It drives my wife nuts. Having this ability has proven to be a bad thing though. As my weight has crept up over the years part of my brain has always said “It’s okay. I can knock these pounds back off no problem. Easy.” That’s all well and good when you’re a) younger and b) still fairly active. I’m neither of those anymore and yet that voice in my head is still there issuing its comforting misguidance.

I sometimes play this comparison game in my head. The game involves looking at someone else and thinking “I’m big but I’m not as big as them.” I don’t take any joy in this. It’s more of a comfort thing. Insecurity would probably be more accurate. Totally fucked up I know.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning after getting out of the shower. This is something I rarely do because I don’t really like looking at myself in the mirror. This goes back to long before I was ever overweight. I came to the realization that I’m the person I normally put on the other side of the equation. I am as big as them.

Maybe this realization will be enough to spark the energy I need to right this ship. I found the energy to write this. That’s something I guess. We’ll see.

Do I hate the fat or do I hate myself. That’s a question to ponder.

New Year, New Blog

One of my goals for the year is to start writing more. One the ways I’d like to start doing that is by blogging again. I blogged consistently from 2002 to roughly 2008 or so. Not really sure why I stopped. I got married and we moved around a lot. That probably had something to do with it. Recently I got the urge to read through my old blog. It brought back a lot of fun memories. I realized I miss it. It was a fun creative outlet and an exercise in consistency. It wasn’t read by many people much like this one probably won’t be but that’s okay. I didn’t really do it for other people. I did it for me. So here I am. Let’s see where this goes.